Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
