I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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