Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
