508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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