I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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