he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
