Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
