I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
