I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
