I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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