we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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