I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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