I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
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I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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