shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
