i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
they're like a gay fantastic four
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
