I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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