I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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