the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
