I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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