i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
