I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
