That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
