he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
