I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
