i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
