I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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