I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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