If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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