woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I am available for nakedness
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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