i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
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It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
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he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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