Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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