mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
