For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
