well I can't set my house on fire every night
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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