I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
