That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Randomize
