i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Someone shattered a urinal.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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