i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
