Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
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