I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
