my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
