Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
