I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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