apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
