when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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