false alarm. still invincible.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
