is your mom at the bar?
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
