my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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