the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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