I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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