Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
