And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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