So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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