I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
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I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
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I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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