paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
