after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
